Guy at work: “Check this out; homemade pot roast and gravy. I even said, ‘No, no honey–I’ll be home before lunch today,’ but she just smiled, said ‘ok, just in case then,’ and handed me the lunch bag. Yeah, she loves me. Marriage is awesome–don’t ever listen to anyone who would oppose that. You’ve just got to find the right person.”
Me: “Yeah. I think too many people see marriage as the end, and girl x as the means to that end. As in, ‘Excuse me, miss maybe, but could you help me reach that TomHanksAndMegRyanThing on that shelf up there? I’d really like one of those.’ But marriage isn’t the end–she is. And marriage is just the means to her, you know? So, whenever someone says, ‘Marriage is awful,’ I hear them really saying ‘My wife is awful.’ I mean, what is marriage anyway, outside of your husband or your wife?’ Marriage isn’t a thing, it’s a relationship between two people. What someone says about marriage, they mean about their spouse.”
Both of us: (mutual silent nod, then) ‘Hm.’
Me (with mock sarcasm): “Anyway, enjoy your lovingly-prepared home-cooked meal. I’m off to the Impersonal Sandwich Shop…again.”
Why do so many people say so many awful things about marriage–don’t they realize that they really mean their marriage? And even more clearly, their spouse? I’ve even heard guys complain about marriage–while planning their wedding. A young guy I work with occasionaly told me he was getting married, so I congratulated him. He replied, with a smile, shaking his head, “What? Don’t congratulate me–it’s marriage, man! Who really wants that?” I just looked at him and said, laughing, “Well, then why do it? You’re not married yet, you know–it’s not too late.” He didn’t say anything else. (They got married a few weeks ago, btw–words aside, it was obvious how much he loves her.)
Though, I guess someone could say “marriage is difficult,” or “marriage takes work,” or (a personal favorite) “marriage is sanctification,” and I suppose I’d understand what they meant. Some things are inherent in all intimate relationships. But even in these cases, it’s clear that despite it’s difficulties, the ’she’ in the picture is worth the difficulty, the work, and the sanctification. It’s a hidden expression of love, but it’s there. Climbing mountains is difficult–but hugely rewarding. It’s just when people say “the view isn’t worth the climb,” in a sense, that they really mean “she’s not worth the effort.” It’s sad.
But it was nice to hear a married man declaring the greatness of his marriage (i.e., his wife)–in a secular workplace, at that. Breath of fresh air, one might say.
Anyway–just a thought.
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3 responses so far ↓
1 Spinney // Sep 12, 2006 at 10:59 am
As always, your thoughts are insightful and edifying. I think we often do the same thing in their relationship with Christ. Even in preaching the gospel, we communicate it as if God were a means to heaven rather than heaven a means to God.
“But the gospel is that God gives us himself—Christ died to give us Christ—, and this self-giving is his highest mercy to us and the best news for us! The most profound, most exceedingly gracious, final and decisive good of the good news is Christ himself as the glorious image of God revealed for our endless satisfaction.” - John Piper
2 Nicki // Sep 29, 2006 at 11:43 am
Oh Aron. Why are you always right?
3 Aron // Sep 30, 2006 at 9:03 am
Spinney: “…as if God were a means to heaven, rather than heaven a means to God.” Wow–well said. Thanks!
Nicki: Thanks, Nicki — I was having sarcasm withdrawals. I can always count on you to help me out with that! (laughing) We singles are guilty of a similar thing, though–how often do we say “I’m just not interested in (dating, a relationship, seeing someone, whatever) right now…” when all that really means (maybe) is that there is no particular person we’d like to be close, or closer, to.
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